When you walk away from the grave side of someone that you love with all your heart, you walk a journey of grief. And the hardest things to realize is that the sun will come up tomorrow and life does go on and you must go on without that loved one.
One of the hardest parts of this journey is the path of “Firsts”:
the first sunset you don’t get to share with that person;
the first Thanksgiving without them at the family table;
the first Christmas and you aren’t buying them a gift and you realize they won’t be with the family for Christmas dinner;
the first birthday and you aren’t planning a surprise party;
if it’s a child, the first day of school and you aren’t getting them ready to go;
the first family wedding and them not being in the photos;
if it’s a spouse, the first anniversary you spend alone;
and the first anniversary of their passing.
Each of these “Firsts” rips at your heart and remind you of the loved one that is absent from your life. And they are either landmarks of your changed life without that loved one, or a landmine that will cause you to emotionally explode.
But to ignore these “Firsts” and try to pretend it doesn’t matter is worse. Doing that is just re-setting the timer on an emotional time-bomb that you can’t control. You need to remember these special days and what they meant when the loved one was with you. And the best way to handle these special days is to do something that includes the memory of the loved in what is going on.
If the grief is for a child and you have other children, let them talk about the sibling that is not there, especially when getting them ready for school to start. If you are allowed, do something for the child’s classroom that shares the child’s memory with his classmates and how much you appreciate them and his teacher being a part of his life.
Thanksgiving can be a good time to go around the dinner table and each person share a memory that they are blessed to have of that person.
For the deceased person’s birthday, give a special donation to a ministry or organization that was close to that person’s heart.
Do the same at Christmas. Then write a note about the gift being done in that person’s memory, put the note in a small envelope and place it under the tree. It is your gift to that person. Include it.
The anniversary without your beloved spouse is especially tender. Get them a special anniversary card and write a note to them telling them how much you love them and miss them. Then get some beautiful flowers and go to the grave side and put the flowers and card on their grave. Do the same for their birthday and the anniversary of their passing.
Let the “Firsts” be a moment of pausing and thanking the Lord for the time you had with that person. And letting others share their hearts with you.
You will never forget the loved one that has passed. And that is the way the Lord intended it. So we accept that grief truly doesn’t ever end because the love we have for that person never ends.
Remember them, love them, have a good cry. And then with the help and grace of the Lord get up, wash your face and go on with your day - one day at a time.
Shared in love,
Cris
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