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| Free Clipart from Dover Publishing |
The mother of my sister-in-law, Tina, passed away last month. She had been diagnosed with Alzheimers about 9 years ago and had been hospitalized most of that time. Alzhemers is a hard illness and is stressful and emotional on the family. Overall, Tina and her siblings handled it well. Still, the passing of Mother is hard.
Tina was the "hands on" one who took care of the day-to-day needs of both her father and mother until each of them passed. So handling her mother's funeral arrangements was naturally left to her to do, which she did with the same love, respect, and devotion that she gave her mother while she was alive.
Having handled everything for my own mother and her funeral, I knew what Tina was having to deal with and offered to help. But with her usual smile, she just said, "Thanks, but I've got this." At first I felt a bit hurt but I also knew that I needed to respect her wishes in the situation. So my husband and I took her and my brother a meal for after the family visitation, but backed away from anything else.
At times of grief and mourning, people come to you and want to help ease your pain. They offer kindnesses and try to give you words of comfort. I have realized in going through Momma's funeral and now being on the other side with Tina's mother's funeral, the offers to help not only helps you but also help the person making the offer. By doing something – no matter how seemingly insignificant it may seem to you – it allows the person to be a part of what is going on and also gives them comfort, too.
The day my own Momma died, I had been at the hospital with her around the clock for 4 days and had little sleep. In the days that followed, I still couldn't sleep and truthfully was running on emotion and adrenalin. The funeral had to be arranged, decisions had to be made, and I was the one that had to handle it all. My brothers were there but the decisions were left to me. Looking back on it, truthfully I wasn't in any condition to handle that level of responsibility and some of the decisions I made weren't the best ones. I made mistakes and caused hurt feelings even though I tried so hard to do things right.
Something the Lord has shown me through my grief is when someone cares enough to offer to help, let them. If they offer to bring food, accept it with a smile and a hug. If they offer to run an errand for you, if at all possible, let them do it. A burden shared is half the load, and it lets others work through their grief, too.
Grief is natural and is supposed to be there. We need to realize that it isn't a lack of faith to cry and grieve and need help sometimes. We don't have to put on a brave face and be stoic. We just need to be real.
Grief is also a path that we walk and that path can be rough. But we don't have to walk it alone. The Lord puts good people at special places along the way to give us a hand, get under the load with us, and to give us a smile and a hug that helps get us through. He knows what we need and when we need it.
Most of important of all, Jesus promises to never leave us and never forsake us. And He keeps His promises.
Shared in love,
Cris
A Couple of Personal Notes:
When Momma died, a friend from church offered to bring us a meal. My husband thanked her but graciously declined the offer. I found out later that she was hurt by not being able to bring the meal. It was true that we had plenty of food, but I wish we had accepted the offer and allowed her to bring the meal anyway. We could have shared it with someone else if we didn't have room in the fridge for it but more importantly, it would have allowed her to do for us.
Also, I had several people offer to do anything I needed them to do. Looking back on it, I wish I had handed one of them Momma's address book and asked them to call everyone in it and give them the funeral arrangements. I didn't think to do that and a couple of dear ladies that had known Momma a long time didn't know about her passing until months later. When they did find out, they were both hurt. I regretted it.
Let others help. You need it and they do, too.
