After my Mother's funeral, I sank into a deep depression and encountered tremendous stress as a result of being the executrix of Mom's estate. My niece, Stephanie Hanks, attended a seminar at her church in which Sheryl Sandberg's story was shared. Sheryl had experienced the sudden and unexpected death of her husband and she shared her own journey through grief and starting life over.
Stephanie sent me a copy of Sandberg's book, Option B, with the hope it would help me. It has taken me a while to get through the book because my own grief was overwhelming. However, I did finish it and wanted to share my review.
Sheryl Sandberg is a gifted and experienced speaker and at the time of her writing this book was the chief operating officer at Facebook. Though the book is not written from a Christian perspective, it is not totally secular either.
The author is open and honest about her own experience with grief, how she handled and didn't handle it, and how it affected her and her two children, both of which were pre-teen when their father died. The title of the book comes from a comment made to her by a close friend shortly after the death of her husband. The friend told her, "Option A is not available. So let's just kick ... Option B."
The book is real truths told mostly through personal experiences of the author, her family, and her friend. Perhaps the author's goal was to show by example that others have survived and become stronger so you can, too. For me, all the stories became emotionally weighty and hard to go through. I found myself skimming through them.
However, there were several things that the author shared that were noteworthy for me:
"No one ever told me," C.S.Lewis wrote, "that grief feels so like fear." ... The fear is constant and it felt like the grief would never subside. [Sheryl Sandberg,]
"We plant the seeds of resilience in the ways we process negative events. ...psychologist Martin Seligman found that three P's can stunt recovery: (1) pervasiveness - the belief that we are at fault; (2) pervasiveness - the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; and (3) permanence - the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever."
"Aging, sickness, and loss are inevitable. And while life includes some joyful moments, despite our attempts to make them last, they too will dissolve."
"Avoiding feelings isn't the same as protecting feelings."
"... [the person] dies a second time when no one speaks their name."
"Anna Quindlen puts it more poetically. ‘Grief,' she writes, is ‘a whisper in the world and a clamor within.' "
"There is an elephant in the room. ... Instead of making assumptions about whether or not someone wants to talk, it's best to offer an opening and see if they take it. ... Death is not the only kind of adversity that summons the elephant. Anything that reminds us of the possibility of loss can leave us at a loss for words. ... Speaking with empathy and honesty is a good place to start. You can't wish the elephant away, but you can say, ‘I see it. I see you're suffering. And I care about you.' "
"There are two different emotional responses to the pain of others: empathy, which motivates us to help, and distress, which motivates us to avoid."
"For friends who turn away in times of difficulty, putting distance between themselves and emotional pain feels like self-preservation."
"... caring means that when someone is hurting, you cannot imagine being anywhere else."
"It's hard to understand - or even imagine - another person's pain."
"Specific acts help because instead of trying to fix the problem, they address the damage caused by the problem."
"... friendship isn't only what you can give, it's what you're able to receive."
"... five stages of grief ... denial, ... anger, ... bargaining ... depression, ... acceptance. ... They are five stages that don't progress in a linear fashion but rise and fall. Grief and anger aren't extinguished like flames doused with water. They can flicker away one moment and burn hot the next."
"Everyone makes mistakes. ... Self-compassion comes from recognizing that our imperfections are part of being human. ... those who were kind to themselves showed significant declines in symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). ... self-compassion often coexists with remorse. ,,, Self-confidence is critical to happiness and success. When we lack it, we dwell on our flaws. ..."
"... trauma can also lead to self-doubt in all aspects of our lives. This loss of confidence is another symptom of pervasiveness: we are struggling in one area and suddenly we stop believing in our capabilities in other areas. Primary loss triggers secondary losses."
"... gratitude is passive: it makes us feel thankful or what we received. Contributions are active: they build our confidence by reminding us that we can make a difference."
"Empathy was nice but encouragement was better."
"A traumatic experience is a seismic event that shakes our belief in a just world, robbing us of the sense that life is controllable, predictable, and meaningful."
"Tragedy does more than rip away our present; it also tears apart our hopes for our future."
"Building resilience depends on the opportunities children have and the relationships they form with parents, caregivers, teachers, and friends. We can start by helping children develop four core beliefs: (1) they have some control over their lives; (2) they can learn from failure; (3) they matter as human beings; and (4) they have real strengths to rely on and share. ... For children, it often takes adults to show them that they matter. ..."
Perhaps where you are in your journey with broken-ness, loss, or grief, you will glean even more from Option B.
Shared in love,
Cris
