Before my Mom died, I had experienced grief: the death of my grandparents and great-grand-parents, aunts and uncles, cousins, my older brother, and my Dad who I totally adored.
And though I grieved for each of them, it wasn't at all the intensity that I have felt since Mom's homegoing to Heaven. This grief has been so totally overwhelming that the pain has been actually physical and there were times when I could not even breath.
In trying to understand grief, I have come to realize that with Mom still living I had a link through her to the other people that I love that have gone on. She knew all of them and talking with her kept me attached to them, especially Daddy. So my grief for Daddy was always softened by having Momma who loved him and talked with me about him. Somehow that kept the pain of loss from being so acute.
But when Momma died, I lost all of that and for the first time in my life, I felt totally alone - even though my good husband was always at my side, I still felt, ... well, ... abandoned.
And the entire family dynamic changed and in a way it came apart. Momma was not only my link to those other family members who had gone on before us but she was also the anchor to our family. She was the one that all of us came back to, that we wanted to be with. With her no longer here, my brothers have both gone on back to their lives and are OK with going forward without her. But I don't seem to be able to do that.
Not only was I closer to Momma being the only daughter, but she stayed in our home 24/7 for the last 7 and ½ years of her life. She allowed me to care for her and she spent her last days with me. It was the best part of my life. So when she was no longer here, I was the one that was left with a gaping hole in my heart, my home, and my routine. And as good as my husband was to her and still is to me, it's not the same without her.
And the grief overwhelmed me like a Tsumani: it hit me hard and sucked the very life out of my being. Those first few weeks I only functioned on adrenaline, and all I could do was function. The family basically left the final funeral decision making to me since I had been the one taking care of everything for Momma. I had to make decisions while I wasn't even able to think straight. And I realize later that all of the decisions I made weren't the right ones – I dropped the ball on some things and I made mistakes. Oh, my family was kind and understanding, but it still hurts me to look back and see how badly I handled those decisions. That has been a burden almost too hard to carry some days, too.
I know now that there was nothing that prepared me for any of this even though I had excellent examples lived out before me. Reality is always so much more harsh than what is imagined the experience would be like. Reality can be cruel.
And grief gives you a different view of life and relationships, of what is important and what is just superficial.
Grief makes you grow up.
Shared in love,
Cris
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